shoop and nice guys

I think we'll check out of the world of TV for a little while. I'll probably have something to say about Sex and the City when the super-fabulous Sex and the City 2 comes out, and as for Arrested Development, well, it's funny. The two bits on that show that always make me laugh: 1) when somebody does his or her variation of the "Michael's a chicken" dance, and 2) whenever Will Arnett says, "Michael." (Trust me if you haven't heard him say it.)

The thing is, I've been obsessed with the concept of being nice lately. Apparently, there's an expression, "Nice GuyTM." This is the sort of "nice guy" who tends to complain that girls don't notice (or won't sleep with) him because he's "too nice." You probably know somebody like this, or maybe you've been or are somebody like this--I know I can relate. It's an age-old problem that long pre-dates the internet, or even the printing press.

Nevertheless, the internet figures heavily into my obsession, because the internet is filled with not-nice people. Mean, vicious, unsympathetic, unempathic, nasty, nasty people. And, because this is the way of the world, these are the people who tend to give troubled "nice guys" the most advice. It should probably cease to amaze me by now, but it doesn't: the people most lacking in empathy are the ones offering their bile-infused opinions in this highly sensitive area where empathy is most sorely needed. Honestly, you should read some of this stuff--and if you google "nice guys," you can. All kinds of super-angry people with no concept of other people's feelings accusing nice guys of self-hatred, misogyny, manipulation, spinelessness, cowardice, you name it. Plus there's the unmistakably geek touch--metaphors from the world of science to explain why the nice guy is such a horrible human being, like "water seeks its own level." Great--now that I know about the surface of water, what do I do?

Now, to be fair to these dispensers of wisdom, there's a grain of truth in the name-calling--but that truth is only applicable to a troubled nice guy who is succumbing to bitterness, and it's a greatly distorted truth at that. So I'm going to talk to the nice guys for a moment or two. For the rest of you, re-visit my review of Julie & Julia--it's pretty cool.

Hello, nice guy. And congratulations--you've embarked on one of the highest and most challenging callings imaginable. For niceness, at its most perfect level, encompasses morality, bravery, charity, and generally making the world a better place. But there are dangers, and maybe you've encountered them already. The biggest one is the desire for reward. It's everywhere in our pop culture, our learned memory, and even our fundamental tenets of morality, religious and secular--the nice person is supposed to prevail, to win, to get what he wants...and, perhaps most germane to our little discussion, to get the girl. And that's where the bitterness might start to appear--when the reward doesn't come. As Pee-Wee Herman says in his landmark Pee-Wee's Playhouse special (it predates his popular Saturday morning show and is more adult-oriented)--"It's not that I expected anything in return, but... I didn't get anything in return!" (There's a reason that line gets the laughs and applause that it does.) And once bitterness does appear, all those other horrible attributes that the non-empathic advice givers accuse you of can follow closely behind. And people, as people will, will set to work on kicking your ass for it.

I would urge you, therefore, nice guy, to examine your motives. Are you really being nice in order to get something--recognition, thanks, rewards, sex? This examination requires ruthless honesty--and here's a hint: unless you're already a saint, the answer's pretty much going to be yes, you want to get something. So here's your challenge, nice guy--see if you can train yourself to be okay with not getting a reward for being nice. Don't shoot for sainthood right away--just see if you can keep up your niceness and accept not getting anything in return. If you can do that, well, I can't guarantee sex (or anything else), but here's what I think will happen. I think you'll start to feel good about yourself, and rightfully so, for being a nice guy. This self-approval, in turn, will lead to confidence. And that confidence might be very useful for you--again, no guarantees, but people tend to be attracted to confidence. But once again, be careful, and be patient--it's not, I'll be okay with not getting anything because in the end I'll get something big. You really have to be okay with not getting anything--it's going to fall apart on you otherwise. And you'll slip sometimes, most likely. Forgive youself--because again, what you're doing is really difficult--otherwise, there'd be a lot more nice people in the world.

And that's what I'd say to a nice guy, without name-calling or animosity. No need to thank me.