shoop and what's wrong with The Princess Bride

Now there's a title that reveals somebody looking for a fight, huh? Well, first of all, I should make clear that I like The Princess Bride. It's enjoyable and pleasant. And sure, I even get a little misty when Inigo Montoya finally revenges the death of his father. But there was always something a little... off about this movie for me. I think it took two master critics, Pauline Kael and Leonard Maltin, to help me figure out what went wrong.

Kael, in a relatively short review (especially for her), notes that "you can almost see the marks that it's missing." And for me, that's just what it felt like, including scenes that a lot of people I know absolutely love (and, almost needless to say, can quote by heart). For one thing, there's a distinct disconnect between screenwriter William Goldman's witty badinage (and some of it is pretty snappy) and the actors saying them--big case in point, Andre the Giant. Andre seems a big, affable lug, and he's likable--but he not only has trouble saying his lines, it's pretty clear he doesn't always get his lines. When you give witty badinage to someone who can't deliver witty badinage, it just sounds....weird. But Andre is not the biggest problem. The biggest problem becomes clear in two very, very famous and very, very popular exchanges, both involving the villain Vizzini, played by Wallace Shawn.

Vizzini's catchphrase is "inconceivable!"--you can even get it on a T-shirt. And Inigo Montoya's famous response--"You keep using that word--I don't think it means what you think it means," gets appropriated on any number of inter-nerd exchanges. But here's the thing--there's nothing wrong with the way Vizzini uses the word "inconceivable." It means, among a few other variations, "unbelievable" or "impossible to imagine." So why does Inigo Montoya respond that way? And what's so funny about it? And there's where the fit hits the shan, as it were--the mark that gets missed. To make it clearer, now imagine Groucho Marx saying Montoya's line. Or for that matter, Chico Marx. Or Woody Allen, say from 1965-1979. Or Moe from the Three Stooges. Or Bullwinkle the Moose, for pete's sake. And you see the problem--you need a comedian to say that line. If Groucho had said it, it wouldn't matter if the line was correct or made sense--it would just matter that Groucho was driving another adversary crazy. Director Rob Reiner and screenwriter Goldman could not or would not create a world where the line could work. The way the fine actor Mandy Patinkin (and he really is good here) delivers the line, in the world of the movie that Reiner and Goldman created, it seems to be a reasonable observation that happens to be wrong. And you start thinking things like, "but inconceivable really does mean what Vizzini thinks it means." And that's not funny.

The same thing goes wrong with the equally famous Vizzini death scene. Shawn, as Vizzini, throws out a number of (now heavily-quoted) non-sequiturs that needed a comedian's delivery. "Never get into a land war with Asia"? Really? Why is Vizzini even saying that? But now imagine Boris Badanov, Fearless Leader, or Bullwinkle saying it. Now it's funny. To put the problem into sharper focus, let me paraphrase Leonard Maltin's observation about Billy Crystal and Carol Kane--they seem to have walked in from another movie, or something to that effect. And Maltin's right--the movie they walked in from is the movie The Princess Bride should have been. Because Crystal and Kane are, yes!--comedians. And their scene is funny. There are two more comedians in the movie, Christopher Guest and Peter Cook (Guest is the one who killed Montoya's father; Cook is the Impressive Clergyman), and they're funny, too. In fact, there's a fair amount of funny in the movie--but no comedians in the key roles, and no world where their comedy can reign unfettered. Imagine, for example, Allan Jones and Kitty Carlisle getting all the funny lines in "A Night at the Opera." And that's what's wrong with The Princess Bride.

I understand that AFI has rated the movie as one of the greatest LOVE STORIES of all time, too. Caucasian, please.

Next time, another movie you probably like a lot that I can partially spoil for you, unless I can't think of any more.